


We're his family

by Knocksthemoutwithbear



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Discovering Batman's identity, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Harvey was not ready for this, Humor, Joker makes fun of the burlap sack, Nice villains, The burlap sack did nothing to deserve this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:01:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21706420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Knocksthemoutwithbear/pseuds/Knocksthemoutwithbear
Summary: Bruce and Selina are getting married in New York, because it's safer than Gotham. However, the rogues are not going to let Batman have the time of his life without them.
Relationships: Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel, Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 13
Kudos: 82





	1. Chapter 1

We're his family

"What do you think, Barbara ?" asked Selina, twisting around to see her back in the mirror.  
"I think you look splendid, Selina. Absolutely splendid," answered the redhead, pushing back her wheelchair to take in everything: Selina, her long white dress, the white lilies in her short hair, her reflection in the tall mirror. "What do you say, girls ?" asked Barbara, turning to the two bridesmaids. Stephanie gave a thumbs up : "Awesome, even by your standards, Cats". Cass simply grinned, nodding.  
Selina smiled. The door was knocked upon : "If Miss Kyle is ready, the car is ready as well.  
\- In a minute, Alfred !" called Selina. "And that's the last time you're ever calling me «Miss Kyle», remember this.  
\- I will, Miss Kyle" answered the butler. His footsteps echoed and faded as he walked away. "Rule number 1 if you really want to be part of the Wayne family : Alfred always gets the last word," commented Steph. Barbara laughed. "Well, it's time to go. Shall we ?"  
Steph opened the door of the expensive hotel suite and walked out, followed by Cass, Barbara and finally Selina. As they walked down towards the elevator, Selina confided "I would have loved to get married in Gotham...and Bruce would have wanted it even more. But you were right, Barbara. If the papers knew Bruce Wayne was getting married, it would be everywhere, I would be recognized and his cover would be blown up. It's safer to get married in New York." She sighed. "Getting married to Batman just has its perks."  
Snorting, Cass pushed the elevator button.

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"I hope Dad and Catwoman getting married won't stirr up any complications," stated Tim.   
\- Don't get worried, kid," said Dick, adjusting his suit. They were all together in the car towards the town hall, Bruce having chosen Clark Kent as his best man and being with him in the limousine. "After all, there weren't too many complications with Talia al Ghul. - Apart from getting landed with this brat," grumbled Tim, indicating his younger brother sitting next to him. "Please. Father and Kyle know better than to add another child in our family. It already is weird enough." drawled Damian.  
"Stop bickering, girls. We're there." Jason smirked as both of his brothers gaped at him for calling them "girls". Oh, he was going to have fun at this wedding.

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"Hey, quick question : has anyone here never been to New York ?" The occupants of the van looked up at Harley. "I believe I haven't," answered Jonathan slowly. "Me neither," rasped Bane from the driver's seat. "Can't say I have," chirped the Joker from where he was sprawled on two seats.  
"Wow. It's like Gotham is a country in its own. No one ever needs to go out of it !" Harley wondered aloud. "Anyway. I'm so excited ! - More than usual, you mean ?" murmured Edward so that only Jonathan could hear. "Actually, I'm rather enthusiastic too," he added in a normal tone. "Gatecrashing Batman's wedding, discovering his identity and throwing a big fuss in New York. Great program !   
\- If you only knew, Nygma. I wanted to do this alone at first, but then I figured you all would bring a little more fun and diversity. So, what do you say to your greatest friend ?" The Joker awaited a chorus of "Thank you"'s, but it never came. "Well ?"   
\- Why would we say anything to you ? If I recall correctly, it was Eddie who found out where Selina was going. Am I wrong ? - Not at all, Ivy." answered Harvey. "Then Joker decided we should invite ourselves and Oswald found us a van. - You're no fun, Dent" whined the Joker. "But I won't shoot you, because we can't fight during such a great moment. Remember, it has to be the best day of Batsy's life. And of Cat's, too, of course.   
\- Selina is going to be furious," said Ivy. "Well, she shoulda invited us, we're her best friends !"protested Harley. "Betcha it was Bats who told her not to. Or Robin. Or Orphan. Or Red Robin. Or Spoiler. Or Batgirl. Or Red Hood. Or Nightwing. Or his mom. Hell, with that big of a family, he'll need the whole town for his wedding." Ivy, who had stopped listening, hummed and stroke her clown girlfriend's hair. "New York !" announced Bane as the skyscrapers appeared.

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Barbara looked around. The New York Townhall was really beautiful, exactly what Bruce and Selina needed for their wedding. Right now, the room they were in was getting more and more crowded by the second. All these people, except for the superheroes and their significant other, had no idea of the couple's real identities.  
Barbara saw Dick, Jason, Tim and Damian enter the room. She smiled. Dick waved at her and the boys walked towards her. "You're alone ?" asked Dick. Damian rolled his eyes, but Barbara hastened before he could make an unpleasant remark. "It's the plan. Steph and Cass will come in with the bride." Dick nodded and took Barbara's hand.  
Suddenly, the room became quiet. Craning her neck, Barbara saw Selina, walking up towards the mayor's desk, escorted by Clark. Her long, sleeveless white dress was parted on both sides, wich were lined with tiny black diamonds. A crown of white lilies lay on her short black hair. She looked simply beautiful. The two bridesmaids walked behind her, wearing matching blue and white dresses.  
Just behind the bride came the bridegroom, looking very smart in his tuxedo, Alfred walking by him before leaving him next to Selina. The couple only had eyes for each other.  
As the mayor started his speech, Barbara stopped really listening, thinking back to all of her team-ups with the Cat. Selina certainly was a great person... when she wasn't stealing very valuable objects she absolutely didn't need.  
Barbara felt Dick nudging her. She looked at him. He nodded towards Bruce and Selina. They were about to pronounce their vows.  
"Bruce Thomas Wayne, do you take Selina Kyle here as your wife ?" As Bruce turned towards his fiancee to answer, a hord of galloping footsteps were heard just outside the door. Everyone turned and Barbara felt her blood freeze as the Joker burst inside, gun in hand, screaming "STOP ! STOP ! EVERYONE WHO ISN'T FAMILY GET OUT ! OUT ! No, you're staying," ordered the clown as the mayor was starting towards the door along with the panicked crowd.  
Soon, the only people left in the room were Bruce, an increasingly angrier Selina, Dick, Barbara, Jason, Tim, Steph, Damian, Cass, Alfred, Clark and Loïs Kent, Kate Kane and Renee Montoya on one side, Joker, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, The Riddler, The Scarecrow, The Penguin, Bane, Killer Croc and Two Face on the other.

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"Sooo... how'd you like this panic level, Crane ? And please note I haven't used a single drop of any kind of Fear Toxin," bragged the Joker. The Scarecrow nodded under his burlap sack ( the Potato Sack, Joker called it ).  
Selina took a step forward. "How dare you ! That was my special day, you had no right to ruin it ! Especially if you call yourself my friends !" Her glare was directed towards Harley and Ivy. "But on the contrary, Kitty," purred the Joker, passing a gloved hand in his green hair. "You were the one who had no right not to invite us ! After all, we all knew our dear Bat would be the lucky one, and we wanted to be here for him. We are his family !  
\- Get out of here. You have succeded in ruining this ceremony." Bruce stepped up to hold Selina's hand. Apart from Bane, who already knew, all of the criminals stared. Harley and Ivy wore matching expressions of stupor, Harvey looked ready to faint, and Jonathan's expression was unreadable ( mainly because his head was covered by a sack ). The Joker was looking at Bruce, his face blank as though he had just experienced a default in his system.  
"Batman is Bruce Wayne", said Edward feebly. "You.. you can't be ! You can't be Batman ! No !" Harvey protested. He looked almost panicked. Bruce looked rather sad. "I am, Harvey. I'm Batman.  
\- You are the one who has been sticking me in Arkham ? We're best friends, and you know who I am. I didn't.  
\- Harvey, just because we grew up together doesn't mean I can let you commit crime.   
\- Wee wee wee. How sad. But how about we do something more fun ?" asked the Joker, drawing the attention back to him. Fourteen pairs of eyes narrowed at him. "Like what ?" asked Kate Kane. "The wedding, maybe ?" replied Harley, mimicking Kate's posture and sticking out her tongue.  
Ivy shook her head fondly at the clown girl's antics.

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"What do you mean ?" asked Barbara, frowning. "Well, we came all the way here to attend a wedding, so we want to see this wedding !" exclaimed Croc. That's when Barbara noticed that all of the criminals were rather «well dressed» : Croc and Bane had put on a shirt, Harley and Ivy were wearing an acceptable amount of fabric, Two Face and Penguin were wearing tuxedoes, Joker and Riddler had their most flashy-colored suits and even Scarecrow's clothes were harmoniously patched and frayed.  
Selina and Bruce's eyes were wide. "You just want to attend ? You don't want to do anything else ?  
-Well, we've already chased all of your guests and discovered your identity. That's what I would call a good day. Plus a few people got a bit... ruffled on our way." The Joker grinned his sadistic smile. "Besides, this room is almost empty, and we've come to fill it !" Bruce and Selina looked at each other. Selina raised her eyebrows. Bruce heaved a sigh and smiled almost imperceptibly.  
Selina turned to the villainous crowd in front of her : "Okay. You can stay, if you behave. Otherwise... I guess you don't really want to know." Joker let out a mocking "oooo" but the others nodded. They actually were friends of Selina who just didn't want to miss the event.   
Barbara watched, half-persuaded that she was dreaming, as the criminals took their places in the seats left empty by the other guests. Looking rather amazed, Kate, Renee, and Loïs also resumed to their seats. However, Clark also went to sit down with his wife. Bruce turned to Two Face. "Would you oblige ?" Choking down what sounded suspiciously like a sob, Harvey walked up to stand close to the couple.  
The mayor, still very pale, cleared his throat and looked at Bruce with an almost pleading stare. Bruce mentioned for him to start. Barbara did not pay any more attention to this speech than to the first. She looked at the crazies, then at the other superheroes, then the rest of the Batfamily. She was awed by the peace, the peace between the enemies.   
This time, when the mayor asked Bruce if he wanted to marry Selina, he turned to look at her in the eyes. "Yes.  
\- And you, Selina Kyle, do you take Bruce Thomas Wayne as your husband ?   
\- Yes". As Bruce and Selina leaned forward to kiss, Barbara blinked back a few tears. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Harley wipe away a tear. The couple broke apart, and the (small) crowd erupted into cheers. Jason turned towards his family : "And now, the most epic after party in History is gonna happen."


	2. Chapter 2

Barbara was aprehensive of what was coming. A wedding with Gotham most criminally insane was one thing, a party was another. She looked over at the newlywed. Selina looked rather confident and it seemed to soothe Bruce's worries.  
The restaurant was a big, fancy and expensive one, and they had it all for themselves. "Poor waiters" murmured Dick as he sat down beside Barbara. She saw a young waiter gazing at Two-Face in shock. "D'you honestly believe they either like Selina or are afraid of her enough not to cause chaos ?" she asked in a low voice. Dick made a doubtful face. "Not all of them. Joker can't be trusted." Barbara nodded. "And Two-Face just experienced a huge shock... we don't know how he could react." She shook her head. "This is even more dangerous than walking into Arkham Asylum and letting everybody free."  
Barbara wathched as Clark sat down next to the Joker. He clearly hadn't forgotten what had happened last year, for he looked at Ivy with a rather conceited air. Barbara foung herself with Dick on her left, Tim on her right and the Riddler in front of her. Ouch, she thought.  
The meal started in awkward silence. Then Harley leaned forward and started gushing about Selina's dress, Ivy adding in a few words about the flowers. Stephanie shyly entered the conversation and soon, talking stirred around the table. Barbara had to refrain for laughing when the penguin asked Damian and Cass, in a uncle-like fashion, how school was going. She quickly started talking with Dick to avoid getting caught in a chat with the Ego Champion sitting across the table. Dick himself didn't look too happy to be faced with Scarecrow.  
As the meal rolled on nicely, Barbara felt some of her aprehension ease, but she still dreaded the unavoidable moment one of the rogues would want take the spotlight. She looked up and down the table, only to find the Joker grinning at her. She looked away, gripping her wheelchair. "This is madness," she thought. How could Bruce bear to be spending the most important day of his life with the people who made it a nightmare on a daily basis ?  
"Don't mind the clown, he's an ass. He's jealous that Selina gets to be the most important of us to Batman's eyes." Barbara looked up at Nygma. "Don't start antagonizing each other. You heard what Selina said." she replied. "And I've heard your voice before, too" said Nygma, cocking his head to the side. His eyes gleamed with amusement. "Comish Gordon's own daughter, leading a double life as Batgirl... Who would've thought ? I expect Dad doesn't know about it, of course." Barbara glared at him. "What does it matter now ?" she asked. She felt Dick place his hand on her arm, and she took a deep breath.  
"I don't think it would be a wild guess to assume all the teenagers here spend their nights chasing us around town rather than sleeping," drawled Scarecrow, looking at all of them in turn. Barbara felt very uneasy, knowing their cover was blown up. 

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Jason didn't bother hide his laughter when Harley, backed up by Selina, started asking Alfred for stories of Bruce's childhood. The butler proved himself the bravest of the family again by politely refusing to reveal anything his master didn't want him to. Jason was about to join in Harley's pleading when Dent cleared his throat. "Did he ever tell you about the desk incident ?" he asked. "No," replied Selina. "Tell us Harvey, c'mon ! C'mon !" Harley squealed.  
"Well, we were in eight grade, I think" started Dent, as Bruce sighed."And we had this teacher with a dreadful temper, who would bang his fist on his desk all the time. One day, when the teacher was out, Bruce ran up to the desk, produced a screwdriver from his pocket and unscrewed all the bolts from the desk. He rushed back to his seat, the teacher came back in, and five minutes into the lesson, he was in a towering rage again, and he brought down his fist. The desk fell neatly into pieces at the teacher's feet, and I think I cracked a rib from laughing."  
Right now, it was Jason who was laughing, and Bruce shook his head with a smile. "I've got a few stories about you as well, Harvey," he said. "But I aknowledge you have the priority today."  
It was odd, Jason thought. The two men were best friends again, as though several years of fighting on the opposite side of law could be canceled for one day.  
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Selina was truly having fun. The Batfamily was nice, but the rogues made her feel at home. If someone had told her, that morning, that heroes and criminals would mix this way around her table, she would have sent them straight to Arkham.  
Right now, Ivy, Harley, Steph and Cass were discussing flower arrangements, Bruce and Harvey were reminiscing, and Jason, Alfred, Croc and Lois Lane were chatting pleasantly. Joker, with Clark on one side and Kate on the other, was trying to chat up Oswald and Damian. At the further end of the table, Eddie and Jonathan were talking with Barbara and Dick, and Bane was talking with Tim and Renee Montoya.  
Nobody looked angry or malicious, no one was picking up a fight or trying to shine. Selina couldn't quite believe it. Was her legendary whip the sole cause for this sudden behaviour ? She sniggered. Could it be that Catwoman, the thief, inspired such respect and fear to a bunch of hardened serial killers ? Joker caught her eye and burst out laughing. Bruce frowned, and Selina saw Clark and Kate focus on their guard.  
Selina smoothed the front of her dress. She remembered the night she had... aquired the tiny black diamonds which lined the cut of the fabric. If Bruce had recognized them, he hadn't said anything about it. Selina leaned back in her chair contentedly, placing her hand on Bruce's. Really, this was better than her best dreams, even with the background noise caused by manic clown laughter.  
At last came the moment of the cake. It was huge, white and pale yellow, lined with pearls and chocolate sprinkles. Selina and Bruce took the knife together and cut the first piece. Before long, the cake was much less huge than it had been, and all conversation ceased for some time as everyone ate.  
Suddenly, as the plates became definetly clean, the Joker stood up. Clark and Kate raised their arm, but the Joker simply cleared his throat theatrically. "Well, Batsy, I believe I must say a few words. First of all, how dare you. How dare you get married without us, how dare you choose one over the rest of us, how dare you be Bruce Wayne all this time. Welp. What is done is done, and let's forget it.  
So you chose Cat, our dearest little Selina-don't look at me like that, Selina, I haven't even insulted you yet. I am sure you will be very happy, and have loads of little brats-I mean baby batcats, and be infinitely rich. I used to wonder why she went for you, Bat, but now I know what kind of bank account you have it all become clear."  
Selina's face flushed with anger, but the Joker continued. "We came along to see you off to the right side of the law, Selina, and we are all very teary to see you going..." Here, Joker produced a bright red tissue and blew his nose with a honking sound. "But enough crying. On with the celebration !" He made to take something in his pocket, but Kate knocked away his hand. Fishing in his pocket despite his protests ("Help ! Help ! She's molesting me !") she found a surprise BANG-pistol and an onion. 

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As the music started, Bruce and Selina waltzed slowly across the dancefloor. They did make a very nice pair, thought Eddie. He stole a glance toward the pile of gifts they had brought and suppressed a laugh. Ivy's beautiful potted orchid was trying to unwrap the parcel closest to it, but its leaves couldn't quite grasp the paper. The plant woman herself was standing close to Harley, looking lovingly at her and impervious to anything around.  
Eddie snuck a glance at Jonathan, who caught his eye. He indicated the plant, and the Master of Fear _almost_ made a sliver of a smile. Eddie looked back at the dancing couple. They ended their waltz on the last notes of the music, and as a more catchy tune – geddit ? CATchy ? Pathetic. He was sinking to the Joker's level- started, others walked onto the dancefloor.  
Gripped with the familiar need to take as much spotlight as he could, Eddie looked around and sighed. All of his friends were already dancing, and he wasn't careless with his life enough to even ask Jonathan. At least, he wasn't the only one : Joker looked as frustrated and partner-less as him-oh no. The Joker had made eye contact and was now heading towards Eddie.  
He stopped in front of Eddie and bowed in a most ridiculous way. "Would you agree to grace my arm with your charming presence, Eddie-baby ?" asked the clown in a falsetto voice. "Call me that once again and I'll grace your face with my cane, Joker", growled Eddie, but he felt someone shove him from behind, right into the Joker's arms. "Great," grinned the man-honestly, did he _ever_ stop ?  
However, Eddie had to admit, as unpleasant as he was, the Joker was an exellent dancer. Almost as good as Eddie himself, well, no, not THAT much. They danced most extravagantly across the room, drawing all the gazes, which was very nice. 

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Bruce sat down on a chair in a corner. He, Batman, known for his physical strength and endurance, was exhausted by a few dances ! After Selina, Harley had asked for a turn, then Ivy, then Eddie, then Harvey, then Kate, then Lois... wait. When had the Riddler become Eddie ?  
As Bruce looked at Selina, who had managed to either charm or threaten Dr.Crane into a dance, he wondered what Gotham and Arkham would look like when he and Selina came back from their honeymoon. What had happened today certainly would change everything in his life and task.  
He looked up when he heard someone approach.  
“Would you care to dance with me, Bruce ?”


End file.
